Breymer -- When I Get Through
Breymer brings us on her journey of dysphoria and top surgery on her brave, astonishing album When I Get Through.
Breymer's latest album When I Get Through is a fearless exploration of the complicated emotions leading up to getting top surgery. We discussed Breymer's process previously – and you can read the full version in issue 5 of Rainbow Rodeo. Gender-affirming care is a right, but that doesn't mean those of us lucky to pursue it arrive there on a path made of pink flagstones lined with blue and white flowers. (Get it? A trans flag?) As great as it can feel after the surgery is over (and it doesn't always!) that journey is often riddled with fear and doubt.
The early third of the album lives in that fearful space, one that must be explored with headphones. Breymer's voice fills our ears with self-doubt – "am I on the wrong path here?" Will getting top surgery actually help her feel better? – and explores how the ways she denied parts of herself impacted her relationships with others. There are also questions about how this process will impact her most intimate relationships, as "Darkness" delivers with lovely, lilting guitars.
To be honest, I've blocked out what it felt like in the months leading up to my top surgery; it's just too painful to go back into that constant hamster wheel of excitement, anxiety, curiosity, doubt, and fear – all on loop. Breymer takes me back there, but in a way that feels safe. When I Get Through bringsus up to the moment the narrator is slid into the ER. Along the way, we arrive at resolve and pride – even if that anxiety never quite leaves. But the album ends in a place that anyone seeking transition must arrive at: the knowledge that nobody ever really knows what they're doing for sure, but acting on faith is better than living your life half-dead.
